Fictitious vol. 8: I told you and now you know
It’s been a while! After spending a week holidaymaking (funniest word ever) in the Balkans and a subsequent week battling Covid (and Chrono Trigger), I’m finally back and in the right state of mind to share some thoughts and observations with you all. This volume is about travel and the stories people share about the places their home countries (and why those stories often suck).
Did I mention it was interesting and special?
“I told you and now you know,” our guide repeats as the bus passes tiny Montenegrin villages under lush towering hills. That’s her catchphrase and this is the 10th she utters it. She’s talking rapidly, spitting out facts and stories about the region. “This town has 20,000 inhabitants”, “On your left, you see a church”, “You can’t really see it from here, but Europe’s second largest canyon is behind those mountains”, “Montenegrins are actually quite lazy,” (our guide’s Croatian). A mix of Wikipedia facts, poorly told local legends and the occasional stereotype. Delightful.
You can tell she’s guiding groups every day and she’s not very good. She loves adding “special”, “local”, “traditional” and “interesting” to everything. “If you go to this special village square on Sunday, you’ll get to see a performance of a local traditional dance, which might be interesting”. There’s rarely an explanation for why something is actually special or unique. Everything is presented at face value.
Two days later we’re driving on empty Croatian and Bosnian roads with another guide (Marko) and I couldn’t be happier. We chat about football rivalries, corruption and Balkan nationalism. He talks about local politicians ignoring the law using fun comparisons like “Croatian sport fishing”. He doesn’t try to use a lot of stats or figures but when he does, he makes an impact. Especially when he’s telling us how much the unfinished road we just took cost taxpayers.
He’s mixing contemporary issues with tales about Medieval Dubrovnik, useful advice with local gossip. He’s also drawing parallels with things familiar to us, a group of Brits, Dubliners and Lithuanians (“This guy is like Bosnia’s Pablo Escobar”, “The situation is kind of similar to Game of Thrones”, “When they were building the walls of Dubrovnik, they had visitors pay for passage with a stone. They basically outsourced their materials”).
The best part? He never tells us something is special or interesting. His stories do that for him.
Vocabulary for your next trip abroad
Our city’s special local beer — 6% lager that tastes just like Carlsberg (and is probably owned by Carlsberg). If you can tell me the difference between Mahou, Efes and Żywiec, I’m definitely buying the next round.
Traditional folk songs and dances — whaaaat? TRADITIONAL folk songs and dances, now that’s something to write home about.
This dish is unique to this village — you better enjoy it and praise it, even if it’s just another spin on apple pie.
Locals tell the story of… — you probably heard the same story in a different town, but it was so boring you already forgot about it.
My take on Dan Pink’s “5 surprising tips for getting the most out of your trip”
I learned about Dan Pink’s take on optimizing city breaks from Recomendo, the Internet’s best recommendation newsletter. Here they are:
Go to the highest point in the city. Can’t really argue with that. The only caveat I have is - queuing for more than 30 minutes to get to that tower/cable car ride/observation deck is usually not worth it.
Buy a local newspaper. I don’t think it’s worth buying local press if it’s in a language you can’t follow. Flipping through TV channels is usually a slightly more rewarding experience.
Ride public transportation. 100% yes! NYC subway, Istanbul’s ferries, Lisbon’s cute little trams all live fondly in my memory.
Go to McDonald’s. Dan argues that going to McDonald’s in a new country is an experience in and of itself, as menus differ country to country. Drew Binsky (Youtuber who visited every country in the world) even shot a video on eating at two arches in 77 countries.
I’m not that fond of Micky D’s and having McFeta or McFalafel is not on my bucket list. What I do recommend is trying local soft drinks. Unlike the local lager (which will taste like every lager you ever had), local pop might surprise you.
Spend an hour in a grocery store. Just don’t get too hooked on comparing prices — you’ve got better things to do!
The language corner
Trend of switching from Russian to Ukrainian. As my trip to the Balkans, where people spray paint streets signs in a different script than they prefer, showed: language is a political tool, choice and weapon. The Ukrainian public sphere has many debates about the benefits of switching to Ukrainian (a language not all Ukrainians are fluent in). Here’s a thread by a Crimean Tatar director providing tips for doing so:
Word of the week. CLUE. I had no clue that the word has its roots in Ancient Greek myths. In the tale of Theseus and the Minotaur, Theseus follows Ariadne’s thread (“clew” in Ancient Greek) to trace his way back.
Until next time!
Thank you for reading this edition of Fictitious! I’ll be back next week with some fiction recommendations and musings on different topics related to writing, rhetoric, languages and other things I find interesting.
I’d also really love to hear back from you! Is there a short story or piece of fiction you’d like me to review? Or maybe you want to share a weird word or language fact? Let me know by replying to this email or shooting me a line to tuxunefo@gmail.com. Sharing the newsletter with other curious folk will be much appreciated as well!